Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
