just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How does it feel to date your dad?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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