I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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