It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
