every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
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You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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