dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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