there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
