You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
