My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
