Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
