I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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