I want to walk on stilts...naked
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
