Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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