can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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