I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
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all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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