I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
