Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My hand turned me down
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Randomize
