I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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