my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
