I will die if light touches me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
