I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
