Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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