I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
