nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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