I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
