a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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