Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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