somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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