I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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