you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she looked like the before picture.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
