I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.