Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
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Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS