Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face