She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
