one might say we're banned from that church
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
