I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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