i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
