The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
