Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
