I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
