Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
