if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives