Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.