I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.