I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
