Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
