Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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