So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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