If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
