She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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