did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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