My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
