Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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