make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
