Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
