we're chasing vodka with high fives
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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