I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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